I am often stopped by people interested in hearing about our adoption. I enjoy telling people about our journey but sometimes it is hard for me to communicate all that is in my heart regarding adoption and where God has led us! I kept a "journal" of revelations I had (God gave me) while DH and I discussed whether or not God was indeed calling us to adopt. Virtually everything that I read, every time I opened my Bible, every time I sat in church or sat still at home, God was speaking to my heart about HIS love for orphans. I don't know how to describe it except to say that this idea of adopting followed me EVERYWHERE! There was an angst within me that just lived there. Looking back, it had been there so long, I didn't know what it felt like for this feeling to NOT be there. I truly believe God placed it there. I believe God placed it there because I am NOT a persistant person with much of anything! If this was MY idea, I would likely have given up long ago.
I remember a sermon where every ounce of me wanted to jump out of my seat!! The title??? Here's to the crazy ones. : ) The ones who dare to believe they can change the world. "God," I thought, "I know one child is NOT changing the world but to one child it would make all the difference....to know they are loved, to be able to tell them of YOUR love." I became a bucket of tears. Each Sunday, I would fight back the tears but despite all the self-talk and determination, I couldn't keep them hidden. At this time, we were also attending a Tuesday night group and I had been pretty safe there. Not that I didn't think about this journey Tuesday nights, because nearly everything that was talked about again somehow related to adopting, but for some reason I just wasn't moved to tears......UNTIL.....the injustice topic night. I was caught off guard. I wasn't prepared! I was hit from behind.
The pictures of children living in desperate situations, without families, in homes created from nothing more than plastic tarps. Then.......pictures of our homes.......where we live.....here.
"I have seen this before. I have cried these tears before!!! God, You have me!! You've had me!!! What do you want me to do?!?!" As I fought back the tears.... actually sobbs, I could do nothing but pray. "God if you want us to adopt, You have to open the doors because I can't. I have tried and there is no way around the walls! The doors are all bolted shut and only You can open them. If you want us to move forward, I NEED you to do it." I had faith God could do it, but would He...was this really HIS will?!? How could we tell?
In the meantime I read....(I don't remember where but I wrote it down) Faith-To unleash God's power we need to first step out in faith. Peter had to step out of the boat FIRST!!! We have to follow HIM despite not knowing all the details! That is it!!!! Despite seeing only walls......we need to take the step and follow Him!!
I still shake my head at how far God has brought us!!! How He touched a selfish 16 year old heart some 22 years ago, planted seeds along the way and didn't allow me to forget!! Just when I was at risk for forgetting and my heart was ready to harden to the plight of the orphan, God intensified the message. He was again showing me how deeply He loves His orphans!!
You know, after all He has taught me, after all He has done, after the doors He has opened,......you'd think I would just KNOW God is taking care of all the details. If He loves these little ones so much that He would go through all this trouble over 22 years, you'd think I would naturally trust that He will surely remove all obstacles.
Nope!!!! I still doubt! I doubt He will provide! I doubt He will give me the strength to parent a child with special needs. I doubt He will allow forms to go through and I agonize over the details, trying to make everything perfect.
Each time I finally come to the end of myself, I again realize, God is STILL teaching me to trust Him and rest in His strength. After all He has done, why do I still doubt?
It is only because of HIM that I can say....."Little one, we are on our way!!! God is bringing us to you!!! Aren't you glad He is leading???? I know I am!!"
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