I am often stopped by people interested in hearing about our adoption. I enjoy telling people about our journey but sometimes it is hard for me to communicate all that is in my heart regarding adoption and where God has led us! I kept a "journal" of revelations I had (God gave me) while DH and I discussed whether or not God was indeed calling us to adopt. Virtually everything that I read, every time I opened my Bible, every time I sat in church or sat still at home, God was speaking to my heart about HIS love for orphans. I don't know how to describe it except to say that this idea of adopting followed me EVERYWHERE! There was an angst within me that just lived there. Looking back, it had been there so long, I didn't know what it felt like for this feeling to NOT be there. I truly believe God placed it there. I believe God placed it there because I am NOT a persistant person with much of anything! If this was MY idea, I would likely have given up long ago.
I remember a sermon where every ounce of me wanted to jump out of my seat!! The title??? Here's to the crazy ones. : ) The ones who dare to believe they can change the world. "God," I thought, "I know one child is NOT changing the world but to one child it would make all the difference....to know they are loved, to be able to tell them of YOUR love." I became a bucket of tears. Each Sunday, I would fight back the tears but despite all the self-talk and determination, I couldn't keep them hidden. At this time, we were also attending a Tuesday night group and I had been pretty safe there. Not that I didn't think about this journey Tuesday nights, because nearly everything that was talked about again somehow related to adopting, but for some reason I just wasn't moved to tears......UNTIL.....the injustice topic night. I was caught off guard. I wasn't prepared! I was hit from behind.
The pictures of children living in desperate situations, without families, in homes created from nothing more than plastic tarps. Then.......pictures of our homes.......where we live.....here.
"I have seen this before. I have cried these tears before!!! God, You have me!! You've had me!!! What do you want me to do?!?!" As I fought back the tears.... actually sobbs, I could do nothing but pray. "God if you want us to adopt, You have to open the doors because I can't. I have tried and there is no way around the walls! The doors are all bolted shut and only You can open them. If you want us to move forward, I NEED you to do it." I had faith God could do it, but would He...was this really HIS will?!? How could we tell?
In the meantime I read....(I don't remember where but I wrote it down) Faith-To unleash God's power we need to first step out in faith. Peter had to step out of the boat FIRST!!! We have to follow HIM despite not knowing all the details! That is it!!!! Despite seeing only walls......we need to take the step and follow Him!!
I still shake my head at how far God has brought us!!! How He touched a selfish 16 year old heart some 22 years ago, planted seeds along the way and didn't allow me to forget!! Just when I was at risk for forgetting and my heart was ready to harden to the plight of the orphan, God intensified the message. He was again showing me how deeply He loves His orphans!!
You know, after all He has taught me, after all He has done, after the doors He has opened,......you'd think I would just KNOW God is taking care of all the details. If He loves these little ones so much that He would go through all this trouble over 22 years, you'd think I would naturally trust that He will surely remove all obstacles.
Nope!!!! I still doubt! I doubt He will provide! I doubt He will give me the strength to parent a child with special needs. I doubt He will allow forms to go through and I agonize over the details, trying to make everything perfect.
Each time I finally come to the end of myself, I again realize, God is STILL teaching me to trust Him and rest in His strength. After all He has done, why do I still doubt?
It is only because of HIM that I can say....."Little one, we are on our way!!! God is bringing us to you!!! Aren't you glad He is leading???? I know I am!!"
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
So....how did we know???
Throughout this journey I would often question......God how will we know? How will we know You are definitely calling us to adopt. How will we know when to start? How will we know which agency to go with? How will we know which child is ours? These questions would often waft through my mind and often I would read or hear others say, "You just know."
Well, there were many times God made it clear...BUT.....we had to be listening. If we were listening, we had to be willing to follow!!! For me, it was easy!! God placed in my heart this inquenchable desire to adopt. I don't know why He placed it there when He did OR why He had me wait so long, but I truly think that if it wasn't from Him, it would have been a passing thought in my mind....the fire would have snuffed out. I do believe it is possible for something like this to become an idol....and there were times when that was a concern in my mind......it was hard, but I HAD to keep giving this whole adoption idea back to God.
December 2009-March 2010, I was having an aweful time sleeping!!! I would suddenly wake in the middle of the night thinking about orphans sleeping in an orphanage needing a family! I would think about children needing medical care and not get it because they didn't have a family to care for them. Many, many nights I lay awake agreeing with God that something NEEDS to be done!! Just show me God I would say. Well, one night after being so frustrated that I couldn't sleep and my husband was sleeping soundly beside me....he always does!!!! Always sleeps like a baby, no matter what is going on!!! I said, "YOU HAVE me!!!!! Why do you keep ME awake??? Why don't you keep him awake??? I want to sleep!!! KEEP HIM AWAKE!!!"
I promptly forgot about my middle of the night prayer. : )
A few days later, I was commenting to David how I slept the BEST I had in years!!!! I was sleeping so soundly.....his response......"Well, that's weird because last night I couldn't sleep at all!!" NO!! I thought, couldn't be (chuckling inside). Two weeks, I slept like I hadn't slept in a LONG time....but my hubby kept saying, "It's the weirdest thing, 39 years, I have NEVER had trouble sleeping and I just can't seem to sleep!" I finally had to fess up about my prayer, "So I, over the next week started asking questions about what was going on when he couldn't sleep, maybe he should pray, etc..... Finally, one night when David again brought up his inability to sleep I asked, "Do you want to know why you can't sleep?" To which he replied, "It has NOTHING to do with adopting!" So I told him about my middle of the night prayer to God. "That's Funny he replied, VERY funny!!" : ) God has a GREAT sense of humor!!! LOL!
Well, there were many times God made it clear...BUT.....we had to be listening. If we were listening, we had to be willing to follow!!! For me, it was easy!! God placed in my heart this inquenchable desire to adopt. I don't know why He placed it there when He did OR why He had me wait so long, but I truly think that if it wasn't from Him, it would have been a passing thought in my mind....the fire would have snuffed out. I do believe it is possible for something like this to become an idol....and there were times when that was a concern in my mind......it was hard, but I HAD to keep giving this whole adoption idea back to God.
December 2009-March 2010, I was having an aweful time sleeping!!! I would suddenly wake in the middle of the night thinking about orphans sleeping in an orphanage needing a family! I would think about children needing medical care and not get it because they didn't have a family to care for them. Many, many nights I lay awake agreeing with God that something NEEDS to be done!! Just show me God I would say. Well, one night after being so frustrated that I couldn't sleep and my husband was sleeping soundly beside me....he always does!!!! Always sleeps like a baby, no matter what is going on!!! I said, "YOU HAVE me!!!!! Why do you keep ME awake??? Why don't you keep him awake??? I want to sleep!!! KEEP HIM AWAKE!!!"
I promptly forgot about my middle of the night prayer. : )
A few days later, I was commenting to David how I slept the BEST I had in years!!!! I was sleeping so soundly.....his response......"Well, that's weird because last night I couldn't sleep at all!!" NO!! I thought, couldn't be (chuckling inside). Two weeks, I slept like I hadn't slept in a LONG time....but my hubby kept saying, "It's the weirdest thing, 39 years, I have NEVER had trouble sleeping and I just can't seem to sleep!" I finally had to fess up about my prayer, "So I, over the next week started asking questions about what was going on when he couldn't sleep, maybe he should pray, etc..... Finally, one night when David again brought up his inability to sleep I asked, "Do you want to know why you can't sleep?" To which he replied, "It has NOTHING to do with adopting!" So I told him about my middle of the night prayer to God. "That's Funny he replied, VERY funny!!" : ) God has a GREAT sense of humor!!! LOL!
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